I thought this was going to be a great summer. I even counted on it. It started off somewhat well but then it just crashed and burned. I haven't been to the beach at all. I've spent barely any time outside. People are already talking about the weather cooling and how they'll be so happy for the winter and fall but I hate it. It makes me angry and it's my fault. I didn't take advantage. I let it slip away. I stayed out of the sunlight, like a vampire in hiding, all because of my sleeping habits , all because I was depressed and still am. I went out onto the balcony to catch the last rays of sunlight, just 10 minutes ago and feeling that bit of sunshine on my face was so nice but then I noticed the weather cooling and I wanted to cry because it reminded me of what I had missed out on. I sincerely and selfishly wish the summer could stay much longer.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm seriously considering going on medication but I'm terrified. My mother is definitely not okay with it but I know I'm an adult and I don't have to not do something just because it bothers her. I still don't know. I get panicked just thinking about it. I've done this song and dance before already. I thought I was better on it but I was actually worse. I know that with meds. it's sometimes about finding the right combo that works for you or the right medication. Have I come to the point in my mental state where I have such decreased functionality, that it's a necessity. I hesitate. I'm still scared. I don't know . I don't know if I want to explore that possibility. I 'm afraid to be judged. That I'm taking the easy way out..but It's not the easy way. Why shouldn't I use a tool that can help relieve my symptoms somewhat?
I had to spend an hour listen to my mom cry to my god aunt on the phone about how she was exhausted. She thought I was sleeping but she probably would have complained even if I wasn't. It's not my place to take away from her a source of comfort. She needs someone she can vent to but it hurts to hear it. It hurts a lot. Makes me feel guilty and sick. It's hard on her. My step-dad doesn't work and there are some simple ass things he can do to make it easier for him to get work but he doesn't take those steps because he doesn't have the confidence and is probably depressed himself. He does what he can, when he can. My grandmother has problems with her breathing because of her age and weight and she's been hospitalized repeatedly just this year. She has to use an oxygen tank for the rest of her life or if she has any chance of getting better but she doesn't. My mom is the one she's constantly complaining to and since I'm an only child, my grandma is of course neurotically obsessed with me , on top of it. She keeps harassing my mom because I'm not doing well and it's just this vicious cycle of back and forth. It also doesn't help that every time I talk to her , all she can ask me about is if I have a boyfriend and when will I find one and get married and have kids. I do want kids, but not for awhile, but that's besides the point. Her constant mention makes me feel like a royal fuck up. No , not everyone I know is in a relationship, but the majority of my friends are. How messed up must I be that I can't even get that right? And she blames my mom because she can't get through to me. On top of all this, my grandfather, who has been living with his girlfriend for a number of years got the boot from her apartment. Not just the boot, but the senior day care center he goes to, basically threatened to call the police on him if he didn't leave. There's been this threat before, but this time it's happened for real. The problem isn't so much that she kicked him out. My grandfather has a serious hoarding problem and his actual apartment is basically unlivable. My step-dad and my mom have both been going there when they could and helping him slowly throw stuff out. They want me to go , but I'm terrified. There are a lot of bad memories in that apartment and I don't know if I could put all of that aside and help out and do what has to be done. That's not even the icing on the cake. On top of having to take care of everyone and be around someone that's severely depressed, my mom has developed a severe medical condition due to her weight and being on her feet for her job and she's constantly in excruciating pain. She may have to get surgery but she has no one to make money for the possible 8 weeks she will be out of commission afterwards. The success rate of the surgery is uncertain.
I worry about all this and then I try to block it out because I don't know what else to do. I don't feel capable. I don't feel I can help anyone when I can't help myself.