?

Log in

Juliet's_Wake
Seraphim song
Recent Entries 
29th-Jul-2013 07:04 pm - Depression..I feels it.
Solstice
I've somehow managed to get myself to this place where I feel really trapped. Well...it's not 'somehow' really. I've been feeling this way for a long time. Trapped in a living situation I can't get out of because I don't have the funds to do so....trapped in  NYC. I don't hate it. Brooklyn, Brighton Beach, NYC, it's where I grew up , I'll always have a special place for it but home is where the heart is and my heart is not in NYC. I'm not happy .  I want to cry all the time but I don't let myself. I don't see the point. Crying can be cathartic but in the end it doesn't change your situation. It doesn't produce miracles.  I've stopped taking of myself. I stopped taking care of other people, not that I did that much to begin with. I've sort of just given up. My sleep cycle is completely fucked. I stay up till 9 in the morning and then wake up at 6 pm because I can't stand to see the day stretched out before me , with absolutely no promise or hope.  I'm supposed to be an adult. I'm supposed to be able to take matters into my own hands but I don't feel capable of anything. Escaping into fantasy is the only thing that gives me a shred of happiness. I love my friends and I'll always love my family but if I were given the option to escape into the fantasy world of my choice, I'd take it in a heart beat.  Even a fantasy world isn't perfect. Even a fantasy world has its own set of different challenges but maybe I'd do better somewhere else...as someone else.


I thought this was going to be a great summer. I even counted on it. It started off somewhat well but then it just crashed and burned. I haven't been to the beach at all. I've spent barely any time outside. People are already talking about the weather cooling and how they'll be so happy for the winter and fall but I hate it. It makes me angry and it's my fault. I didn't take advantage. I let it slip away. I stayed out of the sunlight, like a vampire in hiding, all because of my sleeping habits , all because I was depressed and still am. I went out onto the balcony to catch the last rays of sunlight, just 10 minutes ago and feeling that bit of sunshine on my face was so nice but then I noticed the weather cooling and I wanted to cry because it reminded me of what I had missed out on. I sincerely and selfishly wish the summer could stay much longer.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm seriously considering going on medication but I'm terrified. My mother is definitely not okay with it but I know I'm an adult and I don't have to not do something just because it bothers her. I still don't know. I get panicked just thinking about it. I've done this song and dance before already. I thought I was better on it but I was actually worse. I know that with meds. it's sometimes about finding the right combo that works for you or the right medication. Have I come to the point in my mental state where I have such decreased functionality, that it's a necessity. I hesitate. I'm still scared. I don't know . I don't know if I want to explore that possibility. I 'm afraid to be judged. That I'm taking the easy way out..but It's not the easy way. Why shouldn't I use a tool that can help relieve my symptoms somewhat?

I had to spend an hour listen to my mom cry to my god aunt on the phone about how she was exhausted. She thought I was sleeping but she probably would have complained even if I wasn't. It's not my place to take away from her a source of comfort. She needs someone she can vent to but it hurts to hear it. It hurts a lot. Makes me feel guilty and sick. It's hard on her. My step-dad doesn't work and there are some simple ass things he can do to make it easier for him to get work but he doesn't take those steps because he doesn't have the confidence and is probably depressed himself. He does what he can, when he can. My grandmother has problems with her breathing because of her age and weight and she's been hospitalized repeatedly just this year. She has to use an oxygen tank for the rest of her life or if she has any chance of getting better but she doesn't. My mom is the one she's constantly complaining to and since I'm an only child, my grandma is of course neurotically obsessed with me , on top of it. She keeps harassing my mom because I'm not doing well and it's just this vicious cycle of back and forth. It also doesn't help that every time I talk to her , all she can ask me about is if I have a boyfriend and when will I find one and get married and have kids. I do want kids, but not for awhile, but that's besides the point. Her constant mention makes me feel like a royal  fuck up. No , not everyone I know is in a relationship, but the majority of my friends are. How messed up must I be that I can't even get that right? And she blames my mom because she can't get through to me. On top of all this, my grandfather, who has been living with his girlfriend for a number of years got the boot from her apartment. Not just the boot, but the senior day care center he goes to, basically threatened to call the police on him if he didn't leave. There's been this threat before, but this time it's happened for real. The problem isn't so much that she kicked him out. My grandfather has a serious hoarding problem and his actual apartment is basically unlivable. My step-dad and my mom have both been going there when they could and helping him slowly throw stuff out. They want me to go , but I'm terrified. There are a lot of bad memories in that apartment and I don't know if I could put all of that aside and help out and do what has to be done.  That's not even the icing on the cake. On top of having to take care of everyone and be around someone that's severely depressed, my mom has developed a severe medical condition due to her weight and being on her feet for her job and she's constantly in excruciating pain. She may have to get surgery but she has no one to make money for the possible 8 weeks she will be out of commission afterwards. The success rate of the surgery is uncertain.

I worry about all this and then I try to block it out because I don't know what else to do. I don't feel capable. I don't feel I can help anyone when I can't help myself. 
2nd-Jul-2013 02:18 am - Mission 101 Still in Progress!
Solstice

Start Date: January 01, 2011
End Date: January   01, 2014



Mischief Managed:

05. Get full gynecological work up
08. See gastroenterologist
11. Attend at least 6 meet ups of my choice
12. Participate in at least 6 photo shoots
15. Have stable medical insurance
17. Join 2 rpgs and/or create one
19. Learn to prepare at least 6 new dishes on my own
21. articipate in 2 activities for a good cause
22. Reconnect with 3-4 people I've lost touch with by steadily exchanging e-mails, talking online and/or on the phone and by hanging out  with them at least once a week or every other week for 6 months or more.
24. Make 4 new friends
29. Post all the pictures from camera/computer/phone-that I've been neglecting to face book.
30. Do at least 2 costuming internships
33. Go on a trip or bus tour out of state (Pennsylvania doesn't count)
35. Participate in RAJE (Israel)
43. Solve 3 mysteries
44. Participate in a belly dance performance
47. Attend 3 conventions and do 3 cosplays: conventions
48. Finish watching "Veronica Mars", "Andromeda" and "Big Love"
50.Learn and recreate 5 different hairstyles 4/5
51. Have definite plan for birthday and invite people way in advance
52. Make out with 2 hot girls
54. Be in two places at once
61. Attend at least 3 cabaret/burlesque shows
66. Celebrate 3 Jewish holidays
70. Visit Chinatown
71.Participate as an extra or a short speaking role in a film or play
74. Have definite plan for Halloween costume and what to do and follow through on it
78. Budget my spending every day  for  at least 3 months
79. Get a massage at a spa
81. Join 2 communities on Live Journal and be active in them for 3 months
88. Buy a new pair of winter boots
93 . ear make up everyday for a week on 4 different weeks


In Progress:

01.Read all the books on my reading list: 5/40
04. Be 50lbs. lighter: 21/50
9. Move out and have place of my own
13. Host 4 potlucks. 1/4
18. Open a gym membership and go to the gym at least 7 months out of the year
20. Write and post a fan fic.
28. Call grandma and grandpa or visit 4 times a week for at least 6 months in a row. 0/6
31. Read 7 self help and/or informational books. 2/7
32.Hem/Alter 14 different items 4/14
34. Buy each of my family members something nice with my own money  3/6
40. Watch (2) Films from each decade: 1880's, 1890's, 1900's, 1910's, 1920's, 1930's, 1940's, 1950's, 1960's, 1970's, 1980's, 1990's 2010 and 2011 - 1930's -  Dracula from 1931, 1980's -   " The Secret of My Success" and "16 Candles"/  2010-  "Inception" and "Despicable Me" /  2011 - "Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides"  and  " Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1" /  1990's -  "Shakespeare in Love" and " The Fifth Element"
42. Attend 5 different museums  3/5
75. Take at least  7 Ice skating/figure skating lessons. 1/7
87. Come up with and draw 20 new costume/clothing/fashion designs   4/20
86.Write 30 new poems   3/30

Solstice
1.Where did you begin 2012?
I honestly don't recall.



2. What was your status by Valentines Day?
Same as it has been for years,  sadly single.





3. Were you in school anytime this year?
Nope



4. Did you have to go to the hospital?
Yes.

5. Did you have any encounters with the police?
I dated a cop. Does that count?



6. Where did you go on vacation?
Nowhere.




7. What did you purchase that was over $100?


A pair of doc martens with cherry blossoms on them.



8. Did you know anybody who got married?


Several people but no one I'm really close to.



9. Did you know anybody who passed away?


Thankfully no.



10. Did you move anywhere?


Nope.



11. What sporting events did you attend?


None.



12. What concerts/shows did you go to?


I went to something called : J-Summit during a lolita event. Also Platform One and Voltaire at Wicked Faire and Steam Punk Anachronism Event.



13. Describe your birthday.


I went to a nice Italian place with friends as well as an Irish pub that had karaoke and then ended with dinner at  a diner.



14. What is the ONE thing you thought you would not do, but did, in 2012?


Made out with a pretty girl and a male friend of mine at the same time.



15. What have been your favourite moments?


The Alice in Wonderland photo shoot for International Lolita Day, hanging out with Phil and Jas on St. Marks, performing in "A Christmas Carol", sneaking in to see Houdini's grave on Halloween.


16. Any new additions to your family?


Nope.



17. What was your best month?

'
Don't have one really.



18. Who has been your best drinking buddy?


Phil and Jas.



19. Made new friends?


Yes and no.



20. Favorite Nights out?


Hanging with Phil and his friend Stephanie definitely ranks up there as well as hanging out with Jasmine , Phil and Anthony.



21. Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?


Theater , Jasmine's house and going to Lolita events.



22. Have you lost any friends this year?


Yes.



23. Change your hairstyle?


Nope.



24. Have any car accidents?


Nope.



25. How old did you turn this year?


27.



26. Do you have a New Years resolution?

Nope.



27. Do anything embarrassing?


I'm sure I have.



28. Buy anything from eBay?


Definitely.



29. Get married or divorced?


Nope.



30. Get hit on?


You betcha .



31. Been snowboarding?


No.



32. Did you get sick this year?


Yep,


33. Are you happy to see 2012 go?


I'm not sure.



34. Been naughty or nice?


A lil' of column a, A lil' of column B.



35. What are you looking forward to most in 2013?

Steady income, getting a place of my own, hopefully a relationship.
4th-May-2012 03:06 pm - Mission 101: What I've done so far!
Solstice

Mischief Managed:

05. Get full gynecological work up
08. See gastroenterologist
11. Attend at least 6 meet ups of my choice
15. Have stable medical insurance
17. oin 2 rpgs and/or create one 
21. articipate in 2 activities for a good cause 
22. Reconnect with 3-4 people I've lost touch with by steadily exchanging e-mails, talking online and/or on the phone and by hanging out  with them at least once a week or every other week for 6 months or more.
24. Make 4 new friends
33. Go on a trip or bus tour out of state (Pennsylvania doesn't count)
35. Participate in RAJE (Israel)
43. Solve 3 mysteries
48. Finish watching "Veronica Mars", "Andromeda" and "Big Love"
54. Be in two places at once
70. Visit Chinatown
71.Participate as an extra or a short speaking role in a film or play
78. Budget my spending every day  for  at least 3 months
79. Get a massage at a spa
88. Buy a new pair of winter boots
93 . ear make up everyday for a week on 4 different weeks 


In Progress:

01.Read all the books on my reading list: 5/40
04. Be 50lbs. lighter: 21/50
9. Move out and have place of my own
12. Participate in at least 6 photo shoots 3/6
13. Host 4 potlucks. 1/4
18. Open a gym membership and go to the gym at least 7 months out of the year
19. Learn to prepare at least 6 new dishes on my ow /6
20. Subscribe to WoW once every 3-4 months for the duration of this mission: 4/24
28. Call grandma and grandpa or visit 4 times a week for at least 6 months in a row. /6
29. Post all the pictures from camera/computer/phone-that I've been
neglecting-to facebook: 90% done
31. Read 7 self help and/or informational books. 2/7
34. Buy each of my family members something nice with my own money /6
47. Attend 3 conventions and do 3 cosplays: conventions -  1/3
51. Have definite plan for birthday and invite people way in advance 1/2
61. Attend at least 3 cabaret/burlesque shows  2/3
75. Take at least  7 Ice skating/figure skating lessons. 1/7
81. Join 2 communities on Live Journal and be active in them for 3 months 1/2

Solstice
Start Date: January 01, 2011
End Date: September 27, 2013

1. Read all the books on my reading list
2. Have a job that pays more than $15 an hour
3. Have a job NOT in retail, where I get to sit down.
4. Be 50lbs. lighter
5. Get full gynecological work up
6. Get full check up at dentist
7. See dermatologist

8. See gastroenterologist
9. Move out and have place of my own
10. Attend 3 or more S&M workshops/demos (Wicked does not count) 

Follow me down the rabbit hole!Collapse )

Lonely
Plenty of people don't celebrate their birthdays because they work or something bad happens on their birthday and they don't want reminders or they're homeless or they come from abusive homes.  I should be grateful, but once again, the Ellie masochist pity party won't relent. I ruined my own birthday. Instead of out having a good time, I am sitting at home, typing this and I deserve every bit of it . 

I was out with the family in LI, for birthday dinner. I picked up my friend, Tiara who I don't get to see often. Everything was fine until the time came for the bill. I got some money in 2 envelopes, for my birthday (one from my grandma and one from my grandpa) and since I didn't have a purse with me or any pockets, I gave the envelopes to my grandma to put in her pocket book. My mom was counting money for the bill and I wanted to contribute, so I gave her $80. We were halfway home when  my grandpa mentioned something about the envelope and I went to dig for it and realized that it wasn't there. We called the restaurant and went back to get it. They only had one envelope and dug through 4 different trash bins and couldn't find the other one, 

All the while, my grandpa's girlfriend sat there complaining that I should have been out there; digging with the restaurant staff, that I was irresponsible and couldn't be trusted with money and that I had no sense. It's not as though I took out the money to gleefully count how much I got. I specifically took it out to help my mom pay for dinner and I swear I thought I gave it back to her. I feel like a disgusting, worthless, piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything. 

Oh and my mom lost a lot of weight recently and instead of just complimenting her, my grandma had to add that pretty soon my mom would be thinner than me and I would have to hurry and catch up. To her that may sound encouraging, but it's just plain mean, especially since I already feel so bad about my weight. Telling me how nice I look and then 5 minutes later tearing me down. My grandfather's girlfriend also said that I needed to lose weight in my stomach , and I 'd be perfect. Again, one of the things I'm more insecure about when it comes to my body. I thought  that dress looked the most flattering on me and didn't show my stomach, but apparently I was wrong. What a colossal moron I must be. It's bad enough that I get constant criticism from grandma about my weight, but you couldn't lay off, just for a second , on my birthday? Really? was it so hard? It's bad enough I fucked up my own birthday, but now you had to go and add insult to injury?
 
Happy Fucking Birthday to me!

I'm not even keeping what's left over . I told my mom she can have it for April's rent. I wish I could curl up into a ball and disappear.
1st-Mar-2012 11:12 am - Phones and Drama
surpass
There's a very common and in my opinion much over used saying that we can' t always control our emotions, but we can choose to control how we react to the situation. Let me start off by saying that I'm currently running on 3 hours of sleep and I'm not in the best mood, which is not exactly conducive to  applying  saying to present situation.




Follow me down the rabbit hole...Collapse )
24th-Feb-2012 10:16 pm - Mission 101 Update
Solstice
Link to Original Post: http://juliets-wake.livejournal.com/60247.html


Mischief Managed:

5. Get full gynecological work up
08. See gastroenterologist
15. Have stable medical insurance
33. Go on a trip or bus tour out of state (Pennsylvania doesn't count)
35. Participate in RAJE (Israel)
43. Solve 3 mysteries
48. Finish watching "Veronica Mars", "Andromeda" and "Big Love"
54. Be in two places at once
70. Visit Chinatown

79. Get a massage at a spa
88. Buy a new pair of winter boots


In Progress:

01.Read all the books on my reading list: 5/40
04. Be 50lbs. lighter: 21/50
05. Get full gynecological work up 1/2
9. Move out and have place of my own
11. Attend at least 6 meet ups of my choice: 1/6
13. Host 4 potlucks. 1/4
18. Open a gym membership and go to the gym at least 7 months out of the year
20. Subscribe to WoW once every 3-4 months for the duration of this mission: 2/24
21. Participate in 2 activities for a good cause (ex. March of dimes): 1/2
22. Reconnect with 3-4 people I've lost touch with by steadily exchanging e-mails, talking online and/or on the phone and by hanging out with them at least once a week or every other week for 6 months or more. 3/4
24. Make 4 new friends
28. Call grandma and grandpa or visit 4 times a week for at least 6 months in a row. 1/6
29. Post all the pictures from camera/computer/phone-that I've been
neglecting-to facebook: 90% done 
31. Read 7 self help and/or informational books. 2/7
47. Attend 3 conventions and do 3 cosplays: conventions -2/b>/3 cosplay- 0/3
51. Have definite plan for birthday and invite people way in advance 1/2
81. Join 2 communities on Live Journal and be active in them for 3 months 1/2


26th-Jan-2012 09:00 pm - A rather awkward question
Pensive
You see something you absolutely love, by another designer, but you can' t afford to buy it. You decide to make that article of clothing for yourself, in the exact same design, but you don't reproduce it for anyone else and if asked , you give credit to the original designer. Is it still considered "stealing" even though you're making no money off it whatsoever?
Lovely
Started logging again on My Fitness Pal as of last Friday.  I weighed myself today and I saw that I gained like 3lbs. even though I had been  running around a lot and more or less keeping within my calorie range. I was going to give up and not log anything for today, but  I did. I guess that's something to be proud of, even though I'm terrified that I'm just going to keep on gaining weight despite diet and exercise.

Didn't attempt to make myself depressed or belittle my good mood when I was having a positive conversation with  cyshobbitlass about positive things that were going on in my life.

Visited my grandpa and went to a doctor's appointment with him.

went to sleep before 4AM @ least twice this week.

Have been consistently washing the dishes so the sink doesn't get filled up.

Washed my hair  twice this week so far.

Hung out with 2 people outside of my regular group of friends.
( I love my friends to death, but when you hang out with one person on a regular basis and don't see anyone else, it puts a strain on both you and them. This wasn't exactly a goal I had set for myself, but I'm glad that it turned out that way)

Faced  one of my fears of falling on the ice and allowed myself to be helped to learn to ice skate. I even managed to do one lap/trip around the rink on my own and move around 2 groups of people without holding onto the wall! squee!

Told my mother : "Thank you for working so hard so that we can pay the rent and have food on the table."  
(This is not something I've ever said and even though my actions don't always reflect that I'm grateful, I meant  what I said. It made me feel good to see her reaction)

Managed to throw out the empty boxes that had been sitting in my room for almost a week.

I finally heard back about my gym membership application and it was approved! Yey!

I've managed to somewhat cut down on my spending. I'm still buying stuff, but it's more so things I need that are cheaper online than in store. I'm also managing to look at something that is pretty , objectively and say: " I already have something similar. I do not need this."


This page was loaded Feb 21st 2017, 8:00 am GMT.